i tried posting something funny... but, it wasn't. so, i'll resort to professionals:

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
-- Jack Handey

If life gives you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
-- Jack Handey

If you want to the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
-- Jack Handey

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-- Steven Wright

"I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, and I ended up doing a quadruple backflip and landed standing on my feet. Nobody saw except two little kittens and one turned to the other and said, 'See, that's how you do that.'"
-- Steven Wright

"I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't that kind that folds."
--
"I just got out of the hospital, i was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
--
"I have the worlds largest collection of sea shells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...Perhaps you've seen it."
--
"You know, i've heard that if you melt people down and sell all the components. They'd only be worth $.87... That's gotta be a pretty weird store though..."
-- all by Steven Wright

okay, so i went a bit overboard with the quotes. but i just think that they are just completely awesome and deserve to be on here. indubitably.


Slapped up here on 10/10/2001 06:58:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...