the best lines that only a few people have heard [installment 1 of a series - i'll add more when they happen, or if i remember them]:

"we should get an ice machine for the building."
"we did have one a few years ago. but people were caught urinating in it." [it was said and wasn't even meant to be funny]

"it sounds like someone's killing turkeys out there."
"who's killing my turkeys?" [mark is hilarious]

"where does inspiration come from? your left big toe!?!?"
"no, your right big toe."
"what was that?"
"nothing, i was just being a smart-alec." [honesty is always funny]

"we have 4 copies of it."
"well, there's more than 4 people in the class."
"what was that?"
"nothing." [high school library antics, remember them?]

"winning's a great deoderant. they're all gonna like eachother now." [john madden, what a corker]



Slapped up here on 9/30/2001 01:22:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

it has come to my attention that i should no longer assume that all the idiosyncrasies that i may posses pertain to anyone else. i was foolish to think that any of you are also obsessed with rubber bands and paperclips. i apologize. profusely. just because i spend my nights spelling questionable words, and building random objects with the handy office supplies [or pretzels, if i can afford them] doesn't denote that you have any idea what i'm talking about. and rather, it has you thinking that maybe i should seek help. so, next time i will refer to something that you are all familiar with. like, just how tasty a cold pibb [or, pick your own poison: pep, dew, chocomilk] is after a long hard day of daydreaming.

but, get this, bobbo! i'm in my room, drawing amusing doodles on my mirror with a dry erase marker, and giggling to myself. then, out of the corner of my eye i detect a colorful thing out the window. and even though i am highly distracted by colorful and/or shiny objects, i shrug it off, i figure i'm just seeing things again. i continue with meticulously drawing the hair on froboy, but my eyes keep shifting to look out the window. i fight the urge -- for i am an artist at work! but, i succumb to my curiosity. and, with only half a froboy drawn i venture to the porthole to the outside world. and there it was boys and girls, feast your eyes - over there! in the distance -- in ALL it's glory! 'twas a hot air balloon. "holy monkey!" i hollered con gusto. holy monkey, indeed.


Slapped up here on 9/28/2001 06:25:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

remember in 4th grade when cat's cradle was all the rage? we were all obsessed with those strings... yeah... it's kind of like now, and how we are all obsessed with rubber bands and paper clips. you should've seen the masterpiece i created the other day. it was a pathogenic parasitic protozoan. i named him, gordie.


Slapped up here on 9/27/2001 09:24:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

"that was just the beginning! let's get crazy again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
i've found that my walks to class, to the store, or to t-bell for some grubbage, consist of trying to find the most efficient, fastest, easiest, way to get there. sometimes i have no choice, for instance, the badass webster is right across the street. but other times, i'm deciding whether or not to cut through buildings, through grass, take stairs or hills. yes, that is quite a pickle... hills or stairs... it's all about experimentation, really. sometimes i stand at a 'fork' in my road, put a finger to my mouth in contemplation, and take a chance:
"i could cut through fulmer, or i could go either left or right... by todd? [sigh] why is bryan so far away? hmm, i should just walk past stimson and not McCoy... yeah, yeah that sounds good."
it actually sounds like i'm stuck in a sitcom plot where i'm trying to go on dates with multiple guys [with odd names] at the same time, w/none of them being the wiser. my friend, becky, or kelly, or chrissy, is trying to coach me through, but our shananagins only get us deeper into trouble...
or, sometimes i picture it like i'm a running back, heading for the endzone. i'll stiffarm or clothesline some innocent bystanders and scream, "move it or lose it, sister!" as i race to my destination. and when i find a prime way to go, i do a touchdown dance in my head. i'm #1! i'm #1!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"like when kg pops in jenny craig mac & chee, and hands it to - me! that's a special thing..." --jb [tenacious d]


Slapped up here on 9/27/2001 03:36:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

*shake well before enjoying*

scene: i am walking behind some random person --
me: "hey, you!"
them: "what the?" [they look behind them]
me: "yeah, you... hey, don't i know you from somewhere? oh, do you do yoga?" [i assume a position]
them: "umm, i don't think so. and, no, i don't do yoga." [a look of extreme confusion comes across their face and they start to walk away]
me: "are you sure? what's your name?" [i follow them and i raise my hand to my chin in interest]
them: "i'm not going to tell you that." [now they look afraid and start to walk faster]
me: "c'mon! oh, wait... wait a second! you -- you were in my canadian history class! ha - ha!" [i throw my arms up in realization]
them: [they turn around to face me] "no, psycho, i've never taken canad--"
me: "yup, in my canadian history class..." [i place my hands on my hips in satisfaction, exaggerate a head nod, and walk away unabashed]

*24 hrs later*

POLICE LOG:
wednesday - 12:49 p.m. Glen Terrell mall / WSU campus:
reporting party stated that a small annoying girl, with a red backpack, was going around campus claiming everyone was in her canadian history class. upon police arrival, suspect was nowhere to be found.


*refrigerate after opening* (cranappleraz is never wrong)


Slapped up here on 9/26/2001 01:21:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

this is by NO means, 'pick on asians day'... but i just thought these 2 links were kind of "interesting" and maybe a tad bit "disturbing". yes, yes, one may appear to be in poor taste, but it's just all in good fun... and, no, i didn't go galavanting and find them on my own... i got them via 'the ultimate insult'. he's got some other interesting links on there too.

alright, so i can't tell the difference. well, can you?

from here on out, i shall now be know as either, Zhao Xuanze, Zhu Shizi, Zhang Xuzhi, or Zhu Sizhao... i can't decide!!!

as a side note... i'm listening to "we built this city on rock and roll" on the radio... which is - like - so true for pullman, i mean, c'mon!


Slapped up here on 9/25/2001 12:35:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

the advertisement [pronounced: add-vert-tis-ment] for oracle @ delphi:

"tired of the same old dribble? are the woes of daily life causing you to look towards the dark side? [cue kids nodding in sad approval] well, put down that shotgun, billy, and lookyhere! oracle @ delphi is guaranteed to slice, dice, and mock all the details of everyday events until there is nothing left to discuss! offered special today, at a low - low price, o@d will give you a sense of self satisfaction and not leave a stinky taste in your mouth to take home. with the gratuitous use of the word, 'ass', oracle @ delphi will leave you gripping your sides, and through your tears of laughter, begging the hilarity to stop! but then craving more, more, MORE!!! everybody is talking about it, and all the cool kids are reading it! you want to be cool too, don't you...? comments include such things as: "kick-ass" "gnarly bitchin sweet-ass" and "rip-roarin' good-ass time!" now, i know what you're saying, "suzy, what makes you so damn good?" and, all i can say is, "i don't know, broseph, i guess i was just born with it..." oracle @ delphi -- guaranteed to kick the other blogs asses!"

note: offer not valid in WY, ID, MI, nor RI - the freak states.


Slapped up here on 9/24/2001 09:14:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

you can tell which pens i use the most by seeing how much the pen cap is obliterated to bits by means of mastication. i chew my pens all day. it's what i do. it's a dirty dirty habit that should, by all means, be broken. i've tried the -- what do you call it...? oh, gum, to derail the cap chewing, but the urge still remains strong. sometimes, i get self conscious about my chewage when i turn to say something to a friend next to me, and they can't understand me because the pen cap in my mouth takes precedence over the verbal communication: "won de he sah da momewurk wash doo?" then, the situation gets worse when i pull the pen cap out and a glob of spit accompanies it. then, with the pen cap still in my hand, everything switches into slow motion as i watch in horror when the stringy spit glob falls on to my notes... "darnnit to heck, you guys." i might say [orignial quote edited for content, it may not have been suitable for younger viewers]. also, a nervous laugh might squeak out as i try to wipe up the evidence before anyone else sees it. and then, as i see that i've smeared my notes all to hell, a dissapointment groan slides out and makes my friends laugh at me... morals of the story: if you're going to chew pen caps, please chew pen caps responsibly. friends don't let friends chew pen caps. and, chewing pen caps is just a stepping stone to bigger things...

which makes me think... what if one day, i don't just stop at the pen cap. what if, one day, i eat my pen? just picture it, i have blue ink smeared all over my face. people begin to point, stare, laugh! and i become jittery trying to conjure up a good excuse. they'll all say, "suzy, what the hell is this?" and i'll say, "it's just... blueberry... filling. yeah, blueberry filling! i was eating a hostess pie in class.. heh heh... alright, okay! i learned it by watching you!" *shivers* this is no laughing matter people, this is serious disease. i hope i never stoop that low...


Slapped up here on 9/23/2001 07:23:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

**an afternoon at martin stadium**

what a lovely day to attend a football game. the sun is shining, frying us at temps of 85 degrees for 5 hrs [my face is so sunburned]; the people of pullman are cheering and yelling explitives at the top of their lungs; the beverages are of poor quality and not to mention expensive as hell. ahhh, sporting events... it's a day full of purposley avoiding certain people, and spilling drinks on others. the only day when school spirit fluctuates from extreme joy, to utter hatred [especially for coach price] instead of just a constant feeling of indifference. it's a time when random yelling and scorning of the referee's abilities is highly encouraged, abundant, enjoyed, and continuously done until our throats are sore! or, at least until the refs would realize that they, infact, do suck. and, even though referee rage is inescapable, martin stadium is no dangerous place to be. well, there is the projectile t-shirts flung haphazardly into the crowd. and the mayhem on the field that goes on between an absent minded cheerleader and butch on a moped... but... that's not dangerous, that's hilarity!

HIGHLIGHTS:
-- from the announcer: "some people have reportedly been suffering from heat exhaustion. so, remember to always drink plenty of fluids -- and by that i mean water!"
-- from the frequent chanting of "bull-shit" to the mellow outcry of, "you guys stink! badly!" everyone was entertained by the crazy antics of the old drunk guy in the back, and the drunk students everywhere else.
-- cougs win!! cougs win!! [harry caray style]



Slapped up here on 9/22/2001 07:40:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

Ode to a friend:

You are always there when I need you,
In the good times and the vile.
You let me rest my head on you,
After we have just walked a mile.

You carry my things when I need help;
You are more or less neat and clean.
You hug me tightly and do not let go;
You promise never to be mean.

If I were to lose, or hurt you,
It would just be horrible.
You hold everything important to me,
And you are so adorable.

You always laugh with me and not at me.
You are hardly ever a slacker.
All your compartments make life easy,
Friend, you make me glad to be a backpacker.

I love you, my red backpack.



Slapped up here on 9/21/2001 06:40:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

10 things that mostly distract and perhaps some disgust/scare/confuse me [distinguish between them at your own discretion]:

1.) seeing that the physics prof's fly is halfway unzipped.
2.) the smell of fried food, cut grass, wet pavement, and sharpie markers. [need not be all at once]
3.) the phrases, "ass grabbing capital of the world" "chim-chiminy-chim-chim-cha-roo!" & "he's gonna fling that monkey!"
4.) pre, post, and double belt bulge.
5.) the words, "rumpleforeskin" "sassafrassquatch" & "hiphopanonamus"
6.) noticing just how odd all the japanese students shoes are. [i bet you never payed attention]
7.) any kind of dog [any shape, size, color, or age], anywhere, at any time, on any day, of any life time. when i spot a dog on campus [or anywhere for that matter], i scream, "a dog!" then, i stare at it until the owner gets suspicious and leaves.
8.) the sound of someone screaming bloody murder outside of my window.
9.) a loud burp, echoing in a hall... and not knowing where it came from.
10.) noticing that someone in my 7:45 AM class is slurping away on a boost breakfast beverage. the triple B, if you will. shoulda, woulda, coulda had a boost, i guess.

in closing -- nothing exciting happened today. so, it allowed me to spend my time compiling a rediculous list.


Slapped up here on 9/21/2001 04:59:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

hey, i was thinkin'. you know what i should do? i should start making totally random meaningless flyers and put them up around campus. e.g. IT'S COMING -- FISH TACO [i didn't make that one up, it's from a flyer that april sent me]. but, i think i could come up w/some tantilizing dandies of my own:

"TIRED OF JOCKING AROUND AND PLAYING GRABASS??? -- JOIN CLUB CROTCH GRAB!"
**that one's for you ape!**

"BEWARE: CROTCH KICKIN' GRANNY!"
**anything w/crotch in it is funny**

"TWO WORDS: -- SHUTTLECOCK ENVY"
**randomness is key"

"FLING SHIT -- EXPLAIN LATER"
**hmmm, makes sense**

"COME SEE -- GUMPTION JAMBOREE"
**randomness is definitely key**

etc...etc... then, as i slap those babies up around campus, i should take pics. yeah, that's the ticket!


Slapped up here on 9/20/2001 01:11:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

**nothin' says 'onion rings' more like the slap of a warm, moist, onion flap on your chin.**

it is a picture perfect day in p-town [pee-town is more like it... because, there are these bushes that are everywhere on campus and everytime i walk past them they smell exactly like cat pee! gross!]. anyway, it was noon, and i was hungry. so, i, mission impossible style, make my way through the hoardes of people in the dining center, and attain my meatball sandwich and onion rings. "yes!" i whisper yell to myself, for i am really excited. i get my drink, pay, and sit down - yadda yadda yadda... anyway, i pick up an o-ring and set forth to sink my chompers into the sweet, greasy ring of the onion persuasion. with the faint whirring of the tray return and the subtle mixture of converstions in the background i think to myself, 'make sure to sever the onion completely, suzy, or it'll end up on your chin!' so, i clamp down and try to make sure that the onion belt is completely cut before i pull the remaining portion away from my pie hole. but, as a known rule of the food world, this will never work. soon, you feel that your fingers holding the ring come closer together, and that there is a warm presence on your face. you groan in horrendous disapproval as the rest of the onion has slipped out and made it's home on the mandibular protrusion otherwise known as your chin... "damn you!" you scream for the whole world to hear, "damn you, onion ring!" but, think about it, focker. would you be able to really enjoy onion rings any other way? the answer is no, jimmy. no you cannot.

<><><><><><><>

quotes from class today:
"And, unless you're Erin Brokovich, you probably don't have a lot of chromium 6 laying around the house..."
"And, I'm NOT going to tell you guys how to make alcohol!"
* dr. brian weissbart during chem lecture
"And, this crinkly doo-jobby down here is an oocyst." (pronounced oh-oh-cyst)
*dr. chris davitt during parasitology lab
"My impression of a philosophy conference about Plato: 'Hey, how about that line 76 d?!' And the audience goes, 'Oh, yes! I love that one!'"
*dr. david shier during honors phil


Slapped up here on 9/19/2001 01:40:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

simpsons genius expressed in quotes [these are only a few examples of the countless moments of hilarity]:

1.) Homer: "Lisa, I couldn't image anyone being more likable than you. But, apparently this new girl is! So, my advice to you is to copy her in every way."
Lisa: "But Dad!!"
Homer: "Ah, ah, ah, Lisa, think, is that what Alex would say?"

2.) Homer: "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."

3.) Marge: "Homer, I don't think women will like the idea of being shot in the face with a shotgun."
Homer: "Women will like what i tell them to like"

4.) Homer: "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

5.) Homer: "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

6.) Homer: "Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."

7.) Homer: "Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."

8.) Homer: "Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs."

9.) Bart: "Dad, thanks to TV, I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?"

10.) Homer: "Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm."
Lisa: "That's specious reasoning, Dad."
Homer: "Thank you, dear."
Lisa: "By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away."
Homer: "Oh, how does it work?"
Lisa: "It doesn't work."
Homer: "Uh-huh."
Lisa: "It's just a stupid rock."
Homer: "Uh-huh."
Lisa: "But I don't see any tigers around, do you?"
Homer: "Lisa, I want to buy your rock."

11.) Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is How to increase your word power. That thing is really, really... good.

12.) Homer: So, how was everybody's day at school?
Bart: Horrifying!
Lisa: Pointless!
Marge: Exhausting. It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.
Homer: Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
Lisa: Well, _my_ teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener.
[at school, Abe tries to help Jasper get out of it]
Lisa: There's no way I'll get into an ivy league school now. At this rate I probably won't even get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!


Slapped up here on 9/18/2001 05:13:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

i just got back from walking all over B.F.E. to find the G.D. sball field. which wasn't really a field, it was more so just a patch of grass out in the middle of nowhere. and seriously, this was out in the middle of nowhere. and if you find yourself in the middle of nowhere in pullman, you know you are way out in the middle. of. nowhere. and, we walked for about 35 min before we even found ourselves in the right direction. we back tracked a tad, walking past the SRC twice [which is a 12-15 min walk from where i live], and it was pure hell. anyway [excuse me as i take a bite of my nutritious tiger tail dinner...], i'm surprised i escaped with all my limbs still intact as this was quite the double header:

1.) we cram in 7 people in a small honda car in a last ditch effort to finally get to our patch of grass before out lower extremites give out.
2.) a guy runs after foul ball and finds himself ramming his face, neck, and upper torso up against a chain link fence. no bloodshed though.
3.) a foul ball found it's way flying off the bat and up to the nose of the batter, "that just hit me in the face!" the batter exclaimed forcefully!
4.) the first base coach of the other team calls our 1st baseman over to, "let him in on a little something..." the 1st baseman proceeds over, and the base coach rips a fart. he claimed, "i just wanted to ass you a question."
5.) we are good sports and cheer the other team, "good catch guy! even though you are 40 yrs old..."
6.) we express our feelings through words and not violent acts, "that's not fucking fair, that's fucking bull-shit, you've got to be fucking kidding me, you know what, fuck this!"
7.) we all followed the rules, "are any of you drunk?"
8.) after the festivities concluded [we did win both games], we cram another car full, but w/only 6 people this time. the driver thanked god that the pullman po-po did not catch us as she drove violently in and out of traffic and back safely to gannon/golds.

wsu intramural softball can be so dangerous. i can't wait to play next week.

oh, and by the way, our team name is 'bumble bee tuna'


Slapped up here on 9/17/2001 09:40:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

i have had the unfortunate luck of experiencing 2 elevator situations in one day, that day being today. usually, i only take the elevator in my own building. otherwise, i've only got a couple of flights to clamber up, so i suck it up and conquer the task. but today, since it is monday, i was feeling particularly lazy. when i got to haunted bryan hall i shuffled my feet to the elevator and proceded inside. when i was prepared for the elevator to do it's job, which was, 'take me to floor number four...' - it failed me. i stood in there w/the doors wide open, and me looking a fool to the people waiting in the lobby. after a few seconds, i slowly raised and extended my upper left appendage and applied pressure to the [><] door close button while holding my breath in anticipation. the doors slid closed and a sigh of relief exited my lungs.
later, when phil class was in session, someone came stumbling in late with the excuse, "the elevator is having serious problems." the prof concurred as he went on to explain that the bryan hall lift has always been sketchy. he claims he doesn't take that elevator, as he does not want to, "plummet to a fiery death." after all, it is haunted.
then, later on, as i ventured out to attain my roto burger, daily allowance of cold fries, and mr. pibb, the also untrustworthy, goldsworthy 'vator let me down. this story isn't as interesting as no one was around to witness me, nor is this an unfrequent occurance. sometimes, the elevator feels the need to do a little 'jump' just as about 4 new people board the thing, this causes
everyone on to let out a collective, "whoa, shit!" and that's pretty funny sometimes.
so you know, sometimes [but, rarely] i'm almost glad that i don't have a rascal or a pride scooter to putt around in, if i did - then i'd experience like 20 elevator situations everyday. because, i'll be damned if i'm going to carry that thing up the stairs.


Slapped up here on 9/17/2001 01:30:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...

laundry day = glorious day. i love clean, clean laundry. and, i love my snuggle 'fresh rain' dryer sheets, they smell so terrif. however, the stench coming from the laundry room lately is enough to make little snuggles, the dryer sheet bear, go wretch in a corner. it's sort of a rancidy milk, old stale water, puke aroma. complete with a popcorny, hot pockety, tv dinnerish flare. a microwave is also located in the laundry room.


Slapped up here on 9/17/2001 12:11:00 AM by: Me, Suzy...

i've done a lot of thinking, and even though that might be scary - bear w/me, it has been constructive thinking. i come across a variety of amusing things during my day, and i needed a place to put them before i forget. and then, ultimately, all of you can experience them with me. because, be honest, that's the best part. please don't say anything negative about it, that's the last thing i need right now. but if you like it, continue to visit. you shant be disappointed.


Slapped up here on 9/16/2001 10:36:00 PM by: Me, Suzy...